Dillustions of grandure

I'm going to be famous. I don't know in what capacity but I know that my name and the word superstar will be synonamous. There will be an E! true hollywood story about me. At thirty two I will be arrested on PCH for possession of a controlled substance, ten to one it's coke, and probably a hooker or 5. I'll appoligse and go into rehab then I'll come out sober and more mature, my image will shift and I will no longer be young crazy Jake but older refined Jacob. I'll move from the Aston Kutcher roles to the Vince Vaughn, Harrison Ford, and Sean Connery roles. Progess will be made.
My current problem is getting to from point A, where I sit today, to point B, my drug bender in 10 years. I can see many many steps along the way but actually getting there is sketchy. I see 28-29 being the year that I win awards, a peak in my career. 30 to 32 is the valley. It will undoubtedly be spurred by midlife crisis. It realy is a great story, I know my biography will be more saught after than Heidy Flises' Black book.
One of the more recent attempts at fame has let me to the idea of Country Music Superstardom. I shall follow in the foot steps of the greats like Tobey Keith, Kenny Chesney, and my favorite Jimmy Buffett. Now that the laughter has died down I suggest you read my country music Bio. I was born for this shit. I Scream country song! So, here goes.

Born and raised in Bakersfield, CA. Home of country superstar Buck Owens, cotton and just a stone throw from Johnny Cash's famous incarserate Folsom Prison.

Moved to Colorado at 15, the great American west. Home of Buffalo, Indians (native americans), and of course the Denver Broncos. I mean does CO scream country star or what?

My parents are divorced. Mom grew up in Atascadero, CA (good luck finding it, it's country, trust me). Dad was Born and raised in Bakersfield.

Grandparents imigrated to Arivn and the central Valley durring the Dust bowl. Weedpatch hwy, grapes of wrath, I don't think steinbeck could do a better job writing this story. Grandpa died when I was young but he served in the military, Grandma just moved back to Texas w/ her sister.

brother (zac, a good biblical name) lives in fuckin Kansas and wants to be in the Air Force. 'Nough said, yall.

My new step mom is from Nashville. It really is the heart of country music. It's just a hop, skip, and a jump from Graceland!

And thats just my family, lets take a closer look at my life.

Growing up I had a dog, a lab, a good huntin dog, she wasn't but the breed is.

I was once on the front page of the sports section in the Bakersfield Californian because my Dad let me ditch school for the opening day of dove season. People were outraged. Many came to my defense saying "it's better that he is spending time bonding w/ his Dad than doing drugs or what ever. It's a sick article.

I worked for my Dad when I was young. He was self employed, I chopped weeds, cleaned the shop, learned how to weld, was on location at countless farms, ranches and of course oil fields, god have I been to lots of oil fields.

How many times have I been to the kern county fair, I would say at least a hundred.

I learned to drive on my dad's pick-up truck, dulie, extended cab. It's about as big and truck like as you can get w/o having to call it a big rig.

My longest relationship has been w/ a girl from St. Louis.

I was a boyscout. For a long time too, I'm even in the Order of the Arrow. How american is that.

Crashed my car. Maybe this is a strech but every good country artist has a song about wreckin their vehicle.

now I sell car parts. working on cars to work my way through college, sounds pretty country to me.

Running this theroy past a number of people it was pointed out to me that there is one fatal flaw in my master plan. All country artists are God fearing. I have no fear of g(G)od. Currently not something that I'm exploring. However this works even more to my benifit when stated like this:

"I've got wild oats to sew and I know He'll forgive me in the end"

I'm going to keep updating this as I do more research. I know there was more when I first started thinkin about it but I was a lil' high and that helps me to forget these rants.